Brick by Brick
"Yellow Brick Dreams" Durelle Taylor 2017
"Brick by brick" . Its a saying that you have heard many times before I am sure. My definition of the quote isn't much different than many other wise men and woman who has used this quote to give advice or for them selves. But sometimes, something we have heard so many times loses it power over time because we have assured ourselves that we know what it means. It so familiar we take no heed to the saying so when we hear it we just nod our head in agreement and go on about our lives. However that's just it! the saying is about our lives and therefore deserves a closer look at the meaning.
At a very young age I knew I was different. Not just the fact that I was gay ( to me that seemed natural not an abnormality ) but that I was called. Called to do something that expressed my love for life. I thought big and Lord knows that I dreamed big! My imagination was my best friend but to me it wasn't just creativity, it was more of a tool to used to be something important. Not to be important to be famous but important in a deeper level that even fame was to basic. Now as I a child I didn't know that but I felt it and little did I know that feeling would be the driving force in my life.
Also a young age my life changed and even though it was such a traumatic and horrible situation, at the moment of writing this I have learned that it was a necessary evil that need to happen. One of the biggest lesson that I learned from that was that it was it was my choices that caused this to happen to me and it will effect me for the remainder of my life. And to add salt on the wound it took my 20 years to learn that lesson. And in those 20 years I've made more choices that affected my life even more. A lot of them for the worse but the ones that count was the ones I took to change my life for the better. I know by now you are curious about what happened but this essay is not about that ( over time you will learn more) This is more about how everyday choices or bricks are more important than the major choices you make. There is always everyday choices that lead up to those major factors in your life and if you are not aware or in the moment you will look over them and notice that your life will be led more by major changes that catch you by surprise and you will end up feeling out of control.
I know that most people think that the saying brick by brick when it comes to life seems to refer to a goal you set and the steps you make to achieve that goal. And that is true. But I challenge you to see it from a different view. When I speak of bricks I am not referring to your actions but more about your intentions. I believe intentions are the bricks. To put it in metamorphic terms if your intentions are the bricks, then those bricks build a sections which are your choices and those sections build your wall which is your life. After I spent many years as a teenager in detention center, juvenile group homes, and prisons it changed my intentions once I was first released to society. Let's go on a real life journey to show you you how the bricks have changed my life
At 14 years old I when I first arrive in this new environment filled with crime, hate, evil, and hardness the most consuming emotion was fear. Fear began to drive my intentions. My actions became based on survival, and becoming invisible. Durelle protect yourself. And those bricks led to sections (my choices). I cant fight, I'm not mean, and I'm no thug. So how do I protect myself I do what I know best I draw. I don't know how I knew but I knew that the secret weapon I had was my art. To be able to relate by creativity it was a talent. My art became my identity it kept bullys and harm away. Who can hurt the guy who draws so well a talent that so many wish they had. I was able to relate their stories to my pictures and that made me relatable and that changed my intentions. Acceptance became my new driving emotion. Over time consistency makes you accept your life where it is and I began to accept this was now my life , fear melted away by being taken over by my yearning for being liked. And so my intentions changed and so did my choices. I was no longer the nice kid that didn't belong there I became the lying manipulative, narcissistic queen that wanted to be the one that everyone likes, the sad part was that i began to think of that place as normal and fun. I had no sight of freedom because I was to driven by the world I was in than to see that it was temporary this was not my life this was only a section of it, so I began to lay bricks on a section of my wall that end up being to high cause I thought it was the wall. By overbuilding that section I see now that it has made my wall uneven and it took me years to level out that wall.
Towards the end of 4 years being release became more closer and closer and that need for being liked went to the back burner and was released by a pot of " when I get out I can't wait to do what the fuck I want to do" And when I was finally my choices were fueled by that intention of doing what I want when I want and oh my how it drove me. I was so consumed by the false feeling of freedom that made choices that were only meant to serve the now and the greed that I ended up spending so many times in my 20s back and forth to prison that I became known for getting out doing good and then going back. My choices led to homelessness, loneliness, depression, drugs , drinking, and the biggest choice....sex ( a topic for an a whole nother blog entry, Hell maybe even a series). I was consumed of the freedom of having no one to tell me what to do that the only bricks I layed were those of me being gratified. It wasn't until I was 28 years old that I finally realized the power of my choices.
Sounds crazy right after years and years of fuck ups and starting over you would think I would have been learn that lesson. But here's the thing if you accept your life as it is then your intentions can't change therefore neither can your choices. Here's how my intentions changed. ( side note the very talent I was blessed with helped change my life) . The last stint in prison I was 28 years old. By this time I knew the game, it no longer scared me or even felt unnormal ( institutionalization is a real thing but that too is another blog post) All the times I have been in there my art was always the superstar and this time around word got around to the warden. Now in prison you still have jobs but because of my talent the warden gave me a job of creating the monthly giant bulletin board. I had a taste of real freedom doing that job. I would spent a week or so hours and hours drawing and creating my own masterpieces. I had complete creative control and I told stories with my art. I was awarded for my talent in ways that made me see life in a different view.Real freedom was not doing what you wanted when you wanted but actually doing what you were put here to do and your goal is to set your life up where you can be able to do that. My case manager asked me a simple question that I have heard a million times in my life " why are you in here, when you gonna get your shit together and do something with your life, DURELLE DON'T COME BACK YOU DON'T BELONG HERE" and just like that I saw my choices. Just like that a simple statement made me look at my life. The funny thing is I didn't go search deep within myself and meditate , nor call on Jesus. I literally had two goals, one intention, DO NOT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES COME BACK!!! BECOME AND CREATOR!!!
Its is going on nine years since that day and I have not been back. Not because I am some amazing person that has figured it all out but only because I changed my intentions. My choices were now fueled by the intention of being stable creating a life that different. Stopping and thinking about every choice I make. Now that drastic of a change comes with challenges that you couldn't even imagine and believe me I have fucked up many times since then. However my intentions stayed the same and eventually freedom became my new norm and now my intentions have changed again. To share my story and all I have learned and become who I was meant to be.
Brick by brick to me means slowing down, see where you are and believe in where you want to be. To many I don't have much but to me I have the world. I have learned to appreciate the smallest things and enjoy it. Things like sitting outside listening to music, a beautiful sky, a home cooked meal, being able to paint and create in my own space, coming home from work after a long days work and enjoying a glass of wine. Now I have a husband I love and spending time with him drives my intentions. Hopefully you see the pattern and how those intentions I call bricks lead me to some of the darkest places I have ever witnessed and to the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Question your intent. Why are you doing what you do? How did you get to where you are? What changed ? How did that change , change you? What is your freedom? By answering those questions you will start to see your bricks and it is not until you see your bricks that you will be able to truly build your foundation.
I am Durelle welcome to my world of yellow bricks. Please subscribe and together we can walk this yellow brick road to our own beautiful land of Oz ,cause the goal is to get back home. And just like Glinda the good witch told that country ass Dorthy together we will learn "we've always had the power"
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